


5 times jake crashes amy's dates (+ 1 time he doesn't have to)

by AngelicGrace



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Canon Compliant, F/M, Pre-Canon, anyway jake and amy are both bisexual fight me, it's not gonna be a big plot point or anything but !!! they are!!! bisexual!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 14:45:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10878984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelicGrace/pseuds/AngelicGrace
Summary: In which Jake gets so used to pulling Amy's metaphorical pigtails that he has no idea that he's falling for her.





	1. Chapter 1

Amy pulls out her brand-new phone in a frenzy, swearing under her breath when she sees her blank contacts screen before dialing Kylie's from memory."Kylie,  _what_ were you thinking setting me up with him? I mean, how do you even know this guy?" Amy hisses furiously into the phone, leaning her forehead against the stall door of the restaurant bathroom. She doesn't wait for Kylie to reply and barrels on, "He was eight minutes late to dinner, and never even apologized, and he's been staring at my boobs and not saying anything for the last five minutes! I just got away from him to call you, and he just texted me to 'meet him in the men's bathroom so I can blow him.' I need out. I know you're out of town, but," She trails off plaintively, waiting to hear her friend's voice in her ear.

She almost drops her phone in shock when a male voice says, "Give me the address, and I'll be over there."

"Who is this?"

"Your knight in shining armor, coming to sweep you off your feet," he proclaims. He pauses, then tacks on, "except I won't have armor because I'm broke and I don't know how to ride a horse."

"What?"

"Was that weird? That was weird, wasn't it?" He replies, his voice sounding awkward and vaguely high pitched. "That sounds like something a guy in a fedora would say-"

Amy cuts him off, incredulous."I don't need your help, man, I'm not some kind of damsel in distress. I'm a  _cop_ ," 

"Yeah, you seem to be doing great, that's why you've locked yourself in the bathroom to call someone who is clearly your only friend, since you knew she was out of town and called her anyway."

His sarcasm seems natural, and Amy can't help but fire back, without thinking, "Kylie's not my only friend-" She stops, thinks about it for a second, then hangs her head. "Okay, fair."

"I'll Die Hard it," the man continues cheerfully, "I'll come over there, blow some stuff up, and then you'll be home free."

"Please, " Amy scoffs. "How are you going with _Die Hard_ when Training Day exists?" She's about to say more, but her words catch in her throat. She sinks to the floor with the phone still to her ear and takes a deep shuddering breath.

"Hey," the man's voice loses its playful edge and becomes gentle. "Really, I can come, if you need it." He lets his words hang in the air for a second, before adding, "I'm not some creeper or anything, I'm a cop too, I'm _actually_  the second coming of John McClane."

Amy closes her eyes, resting her forehead against her knees. "It's just," she blurts out, voice muffled. "Kylie's out of town, my brothers would give me crap for years if I called them for something like this, and I- I don't really have any friends from work." She breathes in, then asks, "Could you?"

He immediately agrees, and she gives him the restaurant's address easily.

"I'll be there in ten," the man promises. "Oh, I'm Jake Peralta, by the way, I'm at the nine-nine. We kind of skipped the introductions when you jumped straight to telling me about your sad love life."

"Amy Santiago," she replies, "I'm at the eight-four. And Jake? I'll be the woman in the corner booth that looks like she's dying."

"Hang on, Santiago. Your armor-less knight is on his way."

"Shut up," she shoots back, rolling her eyes before hanging up.

Her phone lights up with a text from The Date From Hell.

_wtf where r u...i thought we were gonna have dessert_

Amy scrunches her nose in disgust, cringing as she replies:

_I'm on my way back. Feel free to order dessert; I'm not all that hungry._

He immediately sends a response:

_we can find other ways to fill u up ;))))))) my place or urs_

Amy ignores his last text, ears burning, and shoves her phone back into her purse. She leans against the stall door for a few more minutes before her stomach starts to grumble. Groaning, she stalks out of the bathroom.

As she approaches the table, she catches sight of her half-eaten pasta, which was, to be honest, the only reason she left the bathroom at all. She sits down and starts eating again, trying to avoid eye contact with the man sitting across from her.

He's terrible, really, the absolute worst. He shovels food into his mouth like he hasn't eaten in days, and licks off the meat sauce that's dribbling down his chin, all while staring hungrily at her boobs. Amy crosses her arms over her chest, wishing she hadn't worn such a low-cut dress. 

"So," she ventures, not knowing when she'll be able to leave, "How do you know Kylie?"

"Who?" The Date From Hell mumbles, mouth stuffed with food.

Amy frowns. "Kylie, my friend? The one who set us up?"

"I don't know any Kylie," he chews loudly, then burps. "I was just waiting for my dealer to come meet me and I saw a pretty girl sitting alone, thought I'd drop in and do you a favor," He winks at her, then swallows unattractively, thinking over what he just said. "Uh, don't tell anyone about the drugs thing."

_What an idiot._ Within seconds, Amy is searching him, patting him down until she finds a bag of cocaine wedged in his left boot. She pulls her handcuffs out of her purse, huffing at his lascivious smile, and cuffs him. "You are under arrest for possession of controlled substances. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, and if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you." 

Other diners begin to look up from their expensive wines and tiny gourmet food portions. One silver-haired woman _literally_ clutches her pearls and lets out a high-pitched gasp, pulling her husband out the door and exclaiming that she thought this was a high-class establishment. Amy rolls her eyes.

As the woman and her husband open the door, a messy-haired man in a leather jacket barrels in. "Amy?" He calls, sounding like he's trying to be quiet but failing miserably. The diners start to stare at him now, as if the scandal of someone talking loudly in a restaurant is more interesting than the arrest of a cocaine addict. 

Amy waves at him, grinning. "Over here, Jake."

Jake strolls over to her. "Wow, so it looks like you didn't really need my help," he smiles, looking slightly uncomfortable. "That's fine, cool cool cool cool cool cool cool, all right all right, no doubt,"

Amy leaves some bills on the table and guides Jake and her former-date-now-criminal out the door before any more old women can storm out. The night breeze hits Amy's face, and she sighs in contentment. _At least the weather is nice, even if the company is sub-optimal_.

She checks her phone, squinting as the screen lights up with a text:

_sry i forgot 2 tell u that ur date cancelled...u missed out tho hes HOT_

Amy replies quickly, handing the perp off to Jake as she types:

      _It's okay. Another guy crashed the date and I ended up arresting him. It was fun!_

Kylie immediately messages her back an assortment of at least twenty emojis, question marks, and exclamation points. Amy grins and tucks her phone back into her purse, promising herself to call Kylie later and fill her in.

"Amy, you ruined everything," Jake whines loudly. "I had a  _great_ plan, I was going to go undercover. Why'd you have to arrest him? I came up with a backstory and everything!"

Jake doesn't seem like the kind of person Amy would get along with, but she can't help but chuckle at the sight of him pouting like a five-year old.  "I arrested him because he literally confessed that he was planning on meeting his dealer!"

Jake shrugs, "Okay, fair."

"Let's hear it then,"Amy bumps her shoulder against Jake's, grinning. At his confused expression, she adds, "Come on, your backstory!"

He puts on an affected, nasally voice. "My name is Winston Chamberlain, a millionaire with a dark past and deep-rooted commitment issues. I dated hardworking cop Amy Santiago for six months and fell madly in love with her. I panicked, for she was but a lowly cop, while I was spectacular and rich and liked eating whale and other gross rich-people food. It never would have worked out, so I broke up with her. But even though I had all the money I could ask for, I was still not happy. And it all stemmed from my greatest regret: letting Amy Santiago get away. When I found out she would be at this sufficiently stuck-up restaurant tonight, I knew that I had to come win her back, and finally ask for her hand in marriage like I always should have."

"So...your plan was to fake propose to me," Amy says, flatly, controlling the laughter that is bubbling up in her chest. "Did you even have a ring?"

He gasps, clutching his chest in a dead-on impression of the old woman who just swept out of the restaurant. " _Did I even have a ring_ _?_ Of course I had a ring! Winston Chamberlain is literally swimming in money! He has a pool full of money that he likes to bathe in for fun!" He drops the voice. "Okay, no, I didn't have a ring, I'm broke, it was a terrible plan, Are you happy?"

She cracks a smile. "Very. Clearly, _I_ was the one with the best plan: arresting him for drug possession."

Jake interrupts her, "Okay, wait, no, I take it back. My plan was way better, at least I thought it out in advance!"

"No take-backs! And do you really want to go for the 'thinking it out in advance' argument when you didn't even have a ring? The  _one_ prop you needed to make your plan work?"

He's tripping over his words now, flustered, and there's something almost boyishly charming about him that makes Amy smile at him under the street lamp. "Okay- okay, but- but- your plan was just a spur of the moment thing! You never would have gotten out of the date if he hadn't mentioned his illicit drugs like an idiot." Jake pats their perp on the back and says, "Nice going there, dude. A good rule of thumb: always check if your date is a cop before getting into the topic of drug possession."

Amy cuts in, "A  _better_ rule of thumb: just don't do drugs."

Jake pulls a goofy, skeptical face. "Amy. Come on. You really think that's going to work?"

She shrugs. "It never hurts to try! I always followed the rules growing up. All someone had to do was tell me what to do," she says proudly, lifting up her head.

"Why am I not surprised," he mutters. "Let me guess, teacher's pet, got a ninety-five percent on a test once in high school and cried."

"It wasn't a ninety-five percent," Amy says with dignity, before mumbling, "It was ninety-seven. That  _stupid_  AP bio class,"

"Okaaaay, so  _overachieving_ teacher's pet who read books for fun."

Amy makes an affronted noise. "Pshh. What else is there to for fun?" She glances at him conspiratorially, and adds, "Other than the adult puzzle camp I go to every summer."

"Not even touching that one." Jake replies. "But what I do for fun is watch Die Hard a million times, have _awesome_ sex with hot girls and guys, and be a million times cooler than you could ever dream of being. Any of this sound even slightly familiar to you?"

"The awesome sex with girls and guys part, yeah." Amy shoots back, smirking at him when he pulls an impressed face.

They continue to make the three-block walk to the nearest precinct to drop their perp off, bickering all the while. When they get there, Jake insists on walking her back to her car, bragging that he's a gentleman, and starting another argument when Amy insists that he isn't.

As they reach her car, Amy leans back against the car door. She's about to open her mouth to thank him or say something vaguely heartfelt when Jake snatches her phone from her hand and plugs in his number under the name Winston Chamberlain.

He grins cheekily at her and adds, "Just in case you need someone to bail you out of your next sad date." Amy rolls her eyes, but lets him. 

As she pulls out of the parking lot, she can't help but smile at him. "Let's hope I don't have to see you anytime soon, then," she shouts through her window.

"Hey," Jake yells back, putting on his posh accent again. "You love Winston Chamberlain, and he's madly in love with you, Santiago! You want to see this pretty face again."

Amy is doubled over in her seat, laughing his ridiculously awful accent, and maybe she had a bit too much to drink at the restaurant (no, that's not it, she'd never let herself drive drunk), but _god_ , Jake is so over-the-top that he's funny. She should be feeling awful after that disaster of a date, but her cheeks hurt from smiling too hard over nothing. She doesn't dwell on it too much. _You'll probably never see him again._ Still, she drives home, humming to herself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, so I haven't done much writing recently, so this is rougher than I'd like. Please comment and let me know what I can do better! I'm working on nailing Jake and Amy's characterizations down more, so if you have feedback about that, please don't hold back. I just love these two so much, and I adore their dynamic, so I hope I captured it all right. Thanks for reading! I'm stcvierogers on tumblr if you want to come yell about peraltiago with me


	2. Chapter 2

(Amy's been at the nine-nine for two hours when Jake Peralta finally cracks, walking over to her with a mischievous grin. "Heyyyyy Santiago, been on any dates lately?"

It only takes him two hours to approach her because he's two hours late to work.

Amy rolls her eyes at him. "Crashed any dates lately, Peralta?" 

He smirks at her. "Yeah, now that you mention it." He dramatically sweeps everything off his desk with a resounding crash, jumping up onto it and shouting in his freakishly loud voice, "Hey squad, huddle up! I want to tell you all about the very first time I met our brand new detective Amy Santiago...."

The other detectives gravitate to him, clustering around him like it's a normal occurrence for Peralta to humiliate his coworkers on their first day. Amy fervently wishes she had earplugs right now. Jake tells the entire story in excruciating detail, complete with a squeaky Amy impression that has some of the other detectives chuckling as they head back to their desks. She hides her face in her hands, cheeks burning. 

"Hey Santiago," The rough voice of Rosa Diaz, the self-admitted scariest detective in the precinct, startles Amy from her mortification. "You arrested him in the middle of a date? That's pretty dope." She flashes a quick blinding grin that sends Amy reeling. Rosa punches her approvingly in the shoulder, walking off before Amy has a chance to reply. 

Amy rubs her aching shoulder as Gina, the civilian administrator, walks up to her desk. "Hey girl," she drawls. "Pretty risky of you, breaking out the handcuffs on the first date." She waggles her eyebrows, smirking, and Amy groans. Gina puts her elbows carelessly on Amy's desk, knocking over her cups of color-coded highlighters.

Amy just organized them, and now she decides that she hates Gina Linetti a little bit.

"Listen," Gina says, and then pauses, glancing down at her phone with studied disinterest in anything concerning Amy.

To be fair, though, the only person Gina seems to look up from her phone for is the tall Sergeant with the ridiculously big muscles. Amy tries not to take it personally.

"I know you're boring and lame and probably do crosswords in your free time, but I could set you up with someone." Gina yanks Amy's hair out of its tight bun and lets it flow down her shoulders. She pats Amy's cheek condescendingly. "You got potential, but you're covering up any possible hotness you got going by being an actual grandma. I could She's-All-That you up." Her voice is laced with boredom, but she pauses before walking away. "Think about it."

Amy doesn't know whether to be insulted or not.)

\---

She's technically on a date with a girl from Gina's dance troupe, Floorgasm.

("If she can't make you cool, no one will." Gina said)

She's gorgeous, with beautiful brown eyes and the curviest body Amy's ever seen...but is it really a date if Amy's just watching Floorgasm's dance performance on her own? They're not even good, for fuck's sake (but she'd die before telling that to Gina). This music is giving her a headache, and she wishes she could go home.

"Santiago!" Of all people, Jake Peralta is suddenly standing next to her, bumping his shoulder against hers. "What are you doing here? I thought you'd be at, like, a font convention in your free time," he says, his grin toothy and lopsided.

Amy raises an eyebrow. "Seriously, Peralta?" She pauses. "There's not another font convention until May 16th, get it right!" Then it hits her that he's joking, and she turns her head slightly away from him, flushed. She braces herself for a barbed comment, but it never comes.

Amy turns her head to look at him again, quickly, and for a split second, he's smiling in a way that's almost fond _._ She shakes her head for a second, and by the time she glances back at him, his customary goofy grin has slid back into place. 

He breezes past it, a tinge of color in his cheeks. "So you never told me why you're actually here. Gina isn't really the type to invite people to these things." He thinks for a second, then amends, "Other than Terry and Rosa, but they're the exceptions because she thinks they're hot."

Amy shrugs. "She told me I 'have potential,'" she offers.

"That's Gina-speak for, 'you're hot but have no fashion sense.'" 

"If she only invites hot people, then why are you here?" She shoots back, eyebrow raised.

Peralta starts listing off reasons on his fingers. "One: I'm adorable and have boyish charm. It's hurtful that you don't think that. Two: I'm Gina's oldest friend. I'm her go-to guy for hair and makeup help. Three: uh-" he falters, "I'm....hot?" He trails off, unsure.

Amy feels a grin creeping onto her face. "Keep telling yourself that," she says, in the most condescending, Gina-like tone she can muster. "Actually, though, I'm here on a date."

Peralta looks around, face comically scrunched up. " _Here?_ "

"I let Gina set me up with one of her Floorgasm friends, but it turns out that our date is just me watching her  _dance_!" Amy hisses in exasperation. "I haven't even met her!"

"Which one?"

Amy shrugs. "Her name's Natalia, apparently."

"Oh, weird," Peralta scrunches his nose. "Gina set me up on a couple dates with her last year. Does she think we have the same taste in girls?"

Amy shudders at the thought. "20 bucks says I have a better taste in girls than you do."

Rocking back on his heels, Peralta grins. "I'll take that action." He leans towards her conspiratorially. "Angelina Jolie or Taylor Swift?"

"Are you kidding me?" Amy exclaims. "Angelina Jolie! She has beautiful cheekbones and actually contributes something to society, there's no contest!"

Peralta bites his lip. "A counterpoint," he offers. "The entire 1989 album."

Amy opens her mouth to fire back a sufficiently biting comment, but he cuts in before she can, crowing "I just won, give me my 20 bucks!"

She shoves him, sticking her tongue out. "No way, I won!" She knows she's acting like a child, but she doesn't care.

"No, I won!"

"I won! I'm not giving you 20 bucks!"

 "I don't even  _have_ 20 bucks," Peralta says smugly, plunging his hands into his pockets and fishing out a few bills. "I only have," he counts quickly, "one, two,  _three_ bucks. I definitely won!"

"That's not even how bets work, Jake!" Amy retorts, sighing in exasperation, but a smile twitches at the corners of her mouth.

Their argument continues in the same vein, with both parties arguing equally eloquently, until they finally agree to call it a draw.

\---

Once Gina and Floorgasm are done performing, Natalia, Amy's date, starts to make her way over to her, swinging her hips slightly more than necessary. Halfway across the room, she spots Amy and Jake doubled over in laughter, pushing each other while somehow leaning towards one another at the same time.

Natalia walks away. She doesn't want to deal with any love triangle bullshit. 

 


End file.
